I am battling this weekend. I feel the suffocating walls of depression threatening to close in, its ugly claws grasping at me in an attempt to pull my into the stale pit, the dark abyss.
To crying and screaming in private, I have added public exhibition (and as of Monday morning, also dark thoughts). Thank you to my friends who reached out to me and helped shoulder a bit of our journey today (Sunday).
Friday morning I felt such hopelessness that I desired to remain in bed and pull the covers up over my head, rather than to get up and face another day where my efforts seem unrewarded by circumstances.
Logically, I can see God is still in control. I can see satan's tactics and I'm not willing to give in to the game plans of the old snake!
Emotionally, I am tottering on the edge. I don't know how people cope with so many kinds of losses all at once. I wonder how we will get through this.
I know, in my head, it will be by the grace of God. My heart is at disconnect with rationality.
I would be very worried about my friend if I read a post like this and that's not what I am trying to do here. We have had a very hard, angry tearful day and that's the way it is. No, I'm not trying to scare anyone, I'm just trying to give a realistic picture of our lives and prayer needs right now. I mostly just need to share what's on my heart.
My family, though hurt by my raging spew of emotions, is wonderful to keep standing by me through the storm. I know their journey is different from my own, but I can't think any less painful and I am the one who gets most of the attention, sympathy and support. My heart hurts for the pain I cause to crush the hearts of those I love the most.
Reality is that giving up is not a choice and so we keep getting out of bed and facing each day as it comes, by God's grace. Rick starts another week at work, I go get a tube placed in my eardrum tomorrow (thankful and hopeful, but also a little scary), I go to occupation therapy, we seek to enjoy our time with the kids even though we know they are only here temporarily. Life goes on, screaming toward trying to find our new view of normal.
"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (The Message)