Tonight I am weary, plain and simple.
I am not sleeping well at night. (Remember my praise from last week? That was about the last good night of sleep.)
I have been battling a headache all day, I think in reaction to the nasal steroids I started taking earlier this week. I am thinking of stopping them and just being resigned to surgery for the ear tube. The headache is rather mild but quite annoying.
I am dreading going back in the hospital (now scheduled for May 15) and having the dye test to see what my MRI missed. Too many bad memories from my surgeries on Thanksgiving Day and especially the susequint night in ICU when too many things went wrong to even try to recount tonight. I know this won't be the same. I shouldn't even be there overnight. I just don't like the idea of going back to this place at all.
I desperately want to be able to turn my head smoothly, to hold a "normal" conversation with my husband, to speak a sentence without gasping for breath and spitting out monotone words with unnatural phrasing. To be able to think of what I want to say and then just say it without halting, starting, stopping, laughing (often with no real joy) and trying again, but still failing to fully express what's really on my mind.
I miss our kids. My heart breaks that another one is sick and I can do nothing for him.
I am overwhelmed.
I want to feel normal again.
I want this trial to be over. It seems like it has gone on much too long.
I feel like I need a good cry but know that would just leave my eyes scratchy and wouldn't really change anything.
I would like to end on an inspirational note. I am dry and have nothing to give at the moment. I know God is working here, I just have to take that on faith, the evidence of things hoped for and not seen.
I'm done whining now. Thank you for listening in on my pity-party. Tonight it is just all getting to me and I needed to vent a bit.
Update: Stroke of Grace has become In Darkness Sing and has moved to JenniferSaake.com.
Thirty-nine-year-old Jennifer Saake (founder, Hannah's Prayer Ministries), experienced 6 strokes via vertebral dissection at a chiropractic office, including brain stem and cerebellum bleeds, in Oct. 2011. Jenni remained hospitalized for nearly 2 months and was not expected to live (near death experience) nor recover, but if she even survived, she was slated to live out her days in a nursing home or, best case, to maybe come home but wheelchair-bound and needing 24-hour care. At 5 years, 7 months God showed how He was writing her story from the beginning.
Jenni is currently writing more books and stays active on both Facebook and Pinterest. Stroke of Grace became In Darkness Sing in early 2018 and has moved, along with all five of Jennifer's active blogs, to one location at JenniferSaake.com.
Since Jenni's chiropractor carried no insurance and moved out of the country soon after the accident (thus avoiding any legal or financial consequences), if you would like to help contribute to the Saake (pronounced like the two small words, say and key) family's massive financial needs (medical expenses alone are estimated to cost between $1- and $1.5- Million in Jenni's lifetime), please visit Jennifer Saake's Stroke Survivor GoFundMe Page. (This support information has been added in direct response to several reader requests.) The Saakes sincerely thank you for your prayers and if God prompts and equips you to send any monetary assistance as well, this is a significant added blessing.