I woke up this morning feeling so exhausted from the battle yesterday, but for the first morning in a much longer time than even the crying, I didn't awake to dark, negative thoughts bombarding me faster than I could beg God to let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in His sight.
On one hand, I was so very weary and battle worn that I felt like I could understand, "In my weakness He is my strength," on a whole new level because I know the victories yesterday were not of me and totally of God! On the other hand, it was the first morning, in a very long time, I have woken up and one of the first thoughts to run through my head was, "This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!"
No, I didn't make it through the entire morning, this morning, without tears. But I did hold a brief conversation with Rick that normally would have made me crumble (not because of him, but because of my own lack of coping skills) and I got through that conversation with dry eyes. Not anywhere near where I want to be yet, but baby steps. Thank you for your ongoing prayers! Please keep them coming.
I know PBA is still a separate issue from the actual depression, because it is not uncommon for me to break out giggling (or crying) for no real reason. Rick will ask me what's so funny and sometimes I don't even have a clue. Yesterday, I was sitting in my chair, found myself laughing, then kept laughing over and over because I though laughing the first time, for no reason, had been so funny. I am glad I was on my own when that happened, because I never could have explained it to anyone else if they had been here!
The same was true of crying Monday, the tears kept pouring even though there was really no trigger. I frequently laugh at things Rick says or does, even when I really feel neutral or sad about it. Never knowing how I will react or what (if anything) will set me off, and how, is still really frustrating and confusing!
|Found, posted to Facebook today.|