I have had a headache and worsened jaw pain since Saturday. Today I woke up with pretty much every major joint on my left side (knee, hip, shoulder) anywhere from "grumpy" to outright screaming in pain. I went back to bed after hubby left for work and slept for another hour and a half. That helped some of the physical a bit, but not the emotional. I have been sobbing much of the morning. It has not been pretty.
Our kids are supposed to come home today (for good). I am scared to hope, to get excited. And so I wait and the day stretches out long before me. I feel like I will forever have to prove myself now, that I am qualified to care for my kids or it will be decided for me that I am not a good enough mom so they will be taken away again. It will be hard to relax into motherhood with that weight on my shoulders! I'm thankful that they are coming home, more than it is possible to say, but I am scared too.
I know these first few days will be rough, in there own way, as we readjust to being together again. Not so rough that I would rather have the kids stay gone, but hard none-the-less. I am weary of relearning over and over every time they come and go. I am not looking forward to living that part again. Rick held me this morning and tried to sympathize with some of the fear. I so needed that! I'm trying to tell myself that this part of the trial ends today, but it is hard to believe that as I am still living it.
Please pray for Kendra, hitting her 2-month mark since her strokes, today. Please pray also for the needs of Sarah, Sue, Debbie and Carrissa's little sister. God knows the details. They are all life-changing prayer needs!
LORD, they came to you in their distress; when you disciplined them, they could barely whisper a prayer. - Isaiah 26:16
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”[Proverbs 3:11-12]
- Hebrews 12:1-11 (NIV)