I had another bad dream this morning. It was lots of ideas mixed up together. It was like just after my strokes, at rehab, only it wasn't the hospital, it was more like a compound where I was locked away. The therapist was mean, critical, pushy and like a drill Sargent. I was able to walk, unsteady, about like I do now (so not a true picture of my wheelchair days in the hospital!). There were 3 teenagers there teasing me. Oh and driving was a big push too. Very upsetting images and actually a relief, for the first time, to wake up to this reality. I am home, I am safe, Rick is at my side, I am with my kids, I don't usually have to deal with mean or un-understanding people (though I've encountered a few with rude comments or ugly looks now), therapy is hard but not done with cruel intentions.
I told my primary care doctor this week that I had gained nearly 50 pounds since the strokes. (Though I've lost about 15 pounds since my highest weight, about 8 since I officially started my diet about 7 weeks ago. I had gotten VERY skinny in the hospital). She actually said she was glad I had gained that weight, not lost it, so it could give me energy for recovery, not added weakness. She is working with me to help loose some now, but really said weight gain is to my advantage during recovery. It really encouraged me.
Well, it looks like I should be able to start research study drugs either this next Tuesday or the week after that (still contingent on lab work outcomes). After my therapy evaluation this morning, I am absolutely exhausted! On a scale of 0-2 for most things, I scored a few 2s and lots of 1s and 0s. My therapist said not to be discouraged with the low scores - at least we have something objective to work with in the next couple of moths. Presuming we get started on time (a bladder infection would set us back at least a month, for example), I should be finished with active participation in the study before Christmas.
I confirmed with my mom and we both think I have seen more improvement in this second 6 months than I did during the first six. (Emotionally and spiritually, especially so.) That's counter to everything I've been told would happen, but it has been my experience.
This has been a horribly draining week. Two kids with the tummy flu, one on crutches for a sprained foot for most of a week (at least it wasn't broken this time!), me still dealing with nausea, dizziness and exhaustion (either from moving my head wrong in the bathtub at the beginning of the week, from trying to keep from coming down with the kids' flu, or both), and LOTS of doctor appointments. So far, only about 5 or 6 appointments scheduled for next week (plus therapy), so after an intense 3 weeks of appointments, it will be nice to slow down and come up for air again! I don't know how my parents manage to keep up with it all either!
I did see my therapist (emotional) finally this past week. Thank you for all the prayers. The appointment far exceeded my expectations and God provided on many levels, answering several specific prayer requests about the meeting. It's been such a long wait, but I think it ultimately will be helpful!
The wise counsel GOD gives when I’m awake is confirmed by my sleeping heart. Day and night I’ll stick with GOD; I’ve got a good thing going and I’m not letting go. -
Psalm 16:7-8 (The Message)