I wrote the following, early this morning. Thanks to my wonderful hubby and his insistance that we work through many issues and emotions, I am doing MUCH better this afternoon (and no tears in several hours). Still, I will post what I wrote to give a taste for the rapidly and sometimes dramatic sway of emotions that can be so prevalent.
I am having a grumpy morning!
Actually, it had been a good day Friday and another good one Saturday. I had even encouraged a friend that, with a few adjustments, life was even starting to feel close to "normal" again.
And then I lost it last night. I sat in the shower sobbing and was teary the rest of the evening. I woke up teary this morning and am still feeling pretty fragile.
I am tired of oral communication being so challenging. I'm ready to have a pity party today.Honestly, I'm just so fed up, I want to stop talking all together. Dare I say, I want to stop fighting. I want to stop all of this. I want life to stop being so hard! But if I have to choose one area, I want to stop being misunderstood.
On Friday, I tried to talk to Rick about Christmas gift planning. To attempt to hold a simple conversation, we could not get through all the (mostly kid) interruptions. It takes so much effort just to talk. To make that effort, then not even be heard (my voice is very weakened by the strokes) makes me want to yell, if only I had the vocal capacity to do so.
I also told Rick I wanted to spend the day with him (he was off for the day). He proceeded to make plans to run errands with one or two of the kids (leaving me home with the other(s) ) because he did not understand me and was trying to do the nicest thing by giving me a break. We eventually more clearly communicated and changed our plans so we could be together, but the original miscommunication was still frustrating.
On Saturday, we went to a parade as a family. What fun and what a normal feeling thing to do. Again, I was blindsided when I couldn't just casually chat with the folks around us, like I would have in the past. I could have made more effort, but I knew my attempts would have been met with helpless looks and, "What?" so I didn't even try much.
The final straw came last night. My kids have taken to ignoring my instructions if they don't like what I'm asking them to do (usually reminding them of chores), so my solution has been raising my voice in an attempt to be heard. This has been coming across to my entire family as an angry, snappy tone. When I had two such encounters, back-to-back, within the space of a minute last night, I lost it. That's when I started sobbing and have yet to fully stop the tears.
On a related note, I don't think anyone (other than Kendra - we have yet to talk on the phone) comprehends how much of a sacrifice, how much I hate, HATE, to talk on the phone now! I don't hear well and I know I don't talk terribly clearly. Without lips to read or body language clues (on either side), it is a monumental effort, and so very exhausting. Conducting business by telephone is the worst! I always feel blessed when friends try to treat me normally and chat like old times, but I much prefer written communication now! The only exception is when my hubby calls - it feels so good just to be included in his days that I don't mind phone talking with him. Maybe because we used to share 5am phone chats for 20 minutes every morning from the hospital (when my hearing and speech were both much worse off) so we learned to understand each other over the phone as it was our only option at that time.
Follow up post nearly 1 week later: Striving for Visibility
Update: Stroke of Grace has become In Darkness Sing and has moved to JenniferSaake.com.
Thirty-nine-year-old Jennifer Saake (founder, Hannah's Prayer Ministries), experienced 6 strokes via vertebral dissection at a chiropractic office, including brain stem and cerebellum bleeds, in Oct. 2011. Jenni remained hospitalized for nearly 2 months and was not expected to live (near death experience) nor recover, but if she even survived, she was slated to live out her days in a nursing home or, best case, to maybe come home but wheelchair-bound and needing 24-hour care. At 5 years, 7 months God showed how He was writing her story from the beginning.
Jenni is currently writing more books and stays active on both Facebook and Pinterest. Stroke of Grace became In Darkness Sing in early 2018 and has moved, along with all five of Jennifer's active blogs, to one location at JenniferSaake.com.
Since Jenni's chiropractor carried no insurance and moved out of the country soon after the accident (thus avoiding any legal or financial consequences), if you would like to help contribute to the Saake (pronounced like the two small words, say and key) family's massive financial needs (medical expenses alone are estimated to cost between $1- and $1.5- Million in Jenni's lifetime), please visit Jennifer Saake's Stroke Survivor GoFundMe Page. (This support information has been added in direct response to several reader requests.) The Saakes sincerely thank you for your prayers and if God prompts and equips you to send any monetary assistance as well, this is a significant added blessing.