I think yesterday was my first totally snot-free day. For something that started out so mildly, this was some nasty and long-lasting cold! I can't get buy on any less than 10-11 hours of sleep per 24 right now. 13-14 is even better! It did mess up my hearing pretty badly again (I would guess by the mucus or pressure backing up the left ustation tube again), leaving me with even less hearing in that left ear.
Last Friday night I tried to wear regular, very flat, slightly dressier shoes for the first time in many months. The experiment was a dismal disaster. I didn't realize how many muscles we use simply to keep a shoe on a foot, at least until I no longer had control of said muscles. I kept walking out of the shoe, tripping because it turned sideways, with the toes still in, but the sole 90 degrees off to the side of my foot, and my heal right on the floor. A few times I found myself actually kicking the shoe off, up into the air with steps.
My foot and leg ached and I was exhausted after the short walk from the car to our restaurant table, then back again. I guess tight, high tennis shoes are still my only option. That was the least of my clothing disasters for the evening, but I am not quite ready to share more yet, so I will have to save the rest of the story for my book, if I'm brave enough by then. Let's just say it was an interesting evening!
I actually held a conversation with my husband without tears last night! Yes, this is terribly blog-worthy news because it is so long in coming. We still have a long way to go, relationally, and I still have such a very long way to grow and mature and re-learn all that was lost in how to interact in this most precious relationship. But I am celebrating this one victory. I can not adequately convey how very stressful and frustrating the ongoing inability to control my most basic emotions has been wearing on us!
It is still the strangest thing that I basically cannot cry in most situations, but find it about impossible to not cry around when I'm alone with the man I love. I just don't understand either of these reactions, other than to think something emotionally imprinted on my newly re-wiring brain, clear back in the hospital to trigger these ongoing reactions that I am still fighting today? I kind of get the not crying most times thing, because I got so used to constant pain in the hospital, that I became emotionally calloused to it all, rather indifferent to all the poking, prodding and loss of dignity. My best guess is that I feel safest around Rick and finally let down my guard enough that I crumble when he's near, but even if that is the case, it is still terribly frustrating!
Please keep praying for both of us in this. My sweet husband is so very stressed, exhausted and worn thin after nearly 16 months of this. Rick is amazing! I wish my actions even hinted at how I felt about him.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.- 1 Corinthians 1:4-7