I've been pretty quiet this week. Nothing particularly "wrong" as much as just busy! Doctor's appointments and/or therapy every day since Tuesday (I had to cancel Monday because I was home with a sick boy) had me out of the house pretty much "full time" hours all week. On Tuesday and Thursday, I was home less than an hour between 8:30 and 5 each day! Yesterday we at appointments, thus out of the house, from 9-3:30. Today I am home from church with a sick little boy again. :( I told me mom (usually my chauffeur) that she had no idea that me having a stroke would put her into such an aggressive stroke recovery schedule, especially nearly 17 months after the events began!
As my husband put it yesterday, "People keep asking if it is getting better and you want to say yes, but it really isn't getting any easier!" Now, when we really look at things now compared to when I first came home from the hospital or even six months into recovery, we can both point to many things that have significantly "gotten better," but it is still so very much harder than we ever dreamed it might be, plain and simple.
My attitude and emotional outburst have undoubtedly improved. The kids are home (even if homeschooling isn't going to remain a viable option past this school year) and we are resettling into family routines. Even with the schooling changes, God has/is opening some amazing doors that seemed humanly impossible! I am walking (with a cane), something doctors predicted would never happen. I can see quite clearly over 99% of the time. Surgeries have restored enough hearing to my left ear that I am usually at least be somewhat aware when sound is being made on that side now, even if I can't decipher it. My left shoulder is gradually strengthening enough so that it doesn't slide in and out of joint even daily anymore (was still doing this several times each day, even a few months ago, but we seem to have finally hit on the right combination of restorative exercises and enough time has lapsed that it is getting stronger) and isn't always such a constant source of such severe pain. I have regained some large motor skill and voluntary movement with my left arm. Only a portion of the left side of my mouth retains total numbness. We have traded sides of the bed so that I am generally in less danger of further injuring my sore side in my sleep. My right side, while possibly always retaining some mild deficits that I am quite aware of because I'm the one who has lived in this body both pre- and post-stroke, is pretty much back to normal and in no way visibly stroke damaged any longer.
Unquestionably, there has big large scale improvement. We thankfully acknowledge that we are in a much better place than we were even a few months ago. The dailiness and stress are still very real and disheartening, though. There are a million little things of daily life that I used to do, even to some extent in my bed-bound days (of prior chronic illness) that I simple cannot do now. These mostly fall on Rick's shoulders now. What I am physically capable of, I often forget (usually to do, occasionally how to do), so Rick can't even count on me doing that which I am able to accomplish. I think the feeling that it "isn't getting better" stems from the question of if it will ever improve or if this is our new daily (stressful) reality now?
Two somewhat encouraging things were said to me this week. The first was when I had a qualification review with special needs transit. I went in hoping they would approve me for the next three years (3 years is the maximum they can offer at one time, though last time was only for only six months, thus another interview this week), so that I wouldn't have to make time for another interview with them between now and then. They only recommended me for two years. I got the distinct impression from several things that were said, that this time-frame was chosen, in large part, to give me hope that I might be in a much better place in two more years.
The second was when my therapist and I were talking of the possibility of upping my therapy schedule again. D. indicated that we might see additional medical benefit from more frequent visits, but she ultimately decided we should stick with our current schedule because she didn't want to take away any more time from me "living my life" rather than living at the gym. We won't back off from current schedule, it just felt good to not be adding anything additional, to be encouraged into regular life rather than pushed toward more "recovery." In once sense, recovery will remain a lifelong pursuit. It is simply nice to be given some grace, some freedom, some gentleness, like this.
Here are a couple brief Facebook updates from the week:
I used public special needs transit today. It worked great and my drivers were absolutely fantastic! My 1 hour counseling appointment took 5 hours from the time I left the house until I got home again though. I'm one exhausted girl! Thank you to my dear hubby, Rick, for bringing home dinner, not only that but one of my *favorite* dinners!!! ♥
I don't have to be anywhere for any appointments until lunch time today! (OK, that means we bailed on regular water therapy today, moving it until tomorrow, but it wasn't workable today.) I am so excited!!! A whole morning, uninterrupted with my kids! What luxury. I feel so spoiled. :)
And a quote from a friend's page:
"Jesus didn't just preach a gospel. He lived one, and now YOU are His hands and feet. hands that are for more than writing personal checks. Feet that are for more than walking to Church or to the mailbox so someone else can be resourced to go."
~The Resolution for Women
I may be called to be a "resourcer" if that's what God equips me to do, but I have to remember to do all that He does call me to do! If we are called, we must trust God to equip us according to that call.
Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going.