I've often questioned why I never "saw God" when I had my near death experience. It was amazing and beautiful and is still more than my heart can really process, but I never saw the face of Jesus. Today, when our pastor was talking about how Moses got to behold a glimpse of God's glory, but not His face, because Moses would be too overwhelmed, consumed even, by the sight, I realized God's grace and protection on a whole new level.
I totally lost it. I guess you could describe my reaction as a PTS recoil, but rather than this being due to trauma, it was due to overwhelming wonder and the stark contrast between this reality and the next. Simply no words are adequate for the emotional process here.
There was another issue I need to resolve with the Lord too, but that isn't for this blog.
Just as I was starting to get somewhat under control again, came our closing set of songs. We opened with a song from Psalm 51, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, restore a right spirit within me..." The tears started to fall again, as I have shared what a struggle this particular passage has been to me.
I can't even tell you what the next couple songs were, because by now our kids were concerned and stressed, trying to comfort me, so I was pretty much just focused on trying to comfort them!
But then the last song came on loud and strong, including words along the lines of, "I go where God and glory are...this broken body I now resign..." In a totally different context than a physical stroke, meaning brain damage, this song also includes the word "stroke, " as in a measurement of time, but to me there is profound double meaning in this word. I never have made it through this particular song without tears, not once! It always does me in.
Since the tears were already flowing, and I was hick-upping to try to choke down noisy sobs, that's all I needed to really push me over the edge! I was a total mess when service ended. Then came trying to explain myself to several lovingly concerned friends. Thank you, everyone who checked on me. This is what I couldn't begin to know how to explain!
Would I trade that moment of heavenly wonder? No! I am totally thankful for God's grace in this. As I've explained to my husband, it is the most amazing part of this whole journey. But the contrast of life here, seeking to understand my purpose this side of such profound revelation, makes having a foretaste of the glory there, the homesickness, also the very most painful part.