Starting October 25 of 2011, "InfertilityMom," 39-year-old Jennifer Saake (founder of Hannah's Prayer Ministries), experienced 6 strokes, all due to vertebral dissection at a chiropractic office. The largest two strokes were brain stem and cerebellum bleeds. Jenni remained hospitalized until nearly Christmas and was not expected to live (near death experience) nor recover, but if she even survived, she was slated to live out her days in a nursing home or, best case, to maybe come home but wheelchair-bound and needing 24-hour care (please read more and watch short video). Jenni is now walking (with a cane or wheeled walker), has recovered much eye-sight, some hearing, partial use of her hands, cares for most of her own personal/toiletry needs, and is currently writing three books, maintains multiple blogs, and stays active on both Facebook and Pinterest. Near the five-year recovery mark, Jenni has renewed her pre-stroke excitement about the unique Lilla Rose hair Flexi eight jewelry she sells and has finally regained enough hand/arm function to regularly use! (The biggest ongoing losses at the 4 1/2-year point of recovery are left-side nerve pain, inability to drive, loss of homeschool teaching capability, significant sound processing issues (often triggering nausea), and some profound physical ability limitations such as a limp, balance challenges, clumsy use of right hand and only large motor function in left hand.) Here is her resume.

Since Jenni's chiropractor carried no insurance and moved out of the country soon after the accident (thus avoiding any legal or financial consequences), if you would like to help contribute to the Saake (pronounced like the two small words, say and key) family's massive financial needs (medical expenses alone are estimated to cost between $1- and $1.5- Million in Jenni's lifetime), please visit Jennifer Saake's Stroke Survivor GoFundMe Page. (This support information has been added in direct response to several reader requests.) The Saakes sincerely thank you for your prayers and if God prompts and equipts you to send any monetary assistance as well, this is a significant added blessing.

Jenni is clinging to God's grace through the entire experience. Here is her unfolding story, documented in her own words (typing with only her right hand), as she perceives it happening in real time, messy, honest and to the glory of God...

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Tears


I cried this morning, all by myself! Rick wasn't even in the room. I was so surprised and elated to feel tears on my cheeks that I couldn't be sad anymore, so stopped crying just seconds after I started, but that I could bring about my own tears at all, to find exscape and release for pent up emotions, is BIG!


Now, if I can just find a way to hold a sane conversation with Rick about any serious or slightly emotional issue, good, bad, or otherwise, without crumbling into a sobbing puddle of mess, that would be so very, very nice for us both! One step at a time, I guess. For now, I'm trying to focus on the fact that I've been able to turn on and then off again, the tear fountain, without Rick in the room, twice now, if you also count Thanksgiving Day. I still wouldn't say the tears yet come "at will," but at least have been appropriate to my emotional state these two times recently. (Edit: Three times! A few more tears have fallen as I've been tying this post!)


So why the tears today? I'm tired! Tired of hurting. Tired of always being so medically exceptional. Missing our babies in Heaven (see yesterday) even though it feels so selfish to wish them here with me. Wanting to be able to celebrate Christmas "normally" for once. Sad that my decoration collection keeps declining and is still more than I can manage. Grieving the life we had expected and that this reality is so very different. Hating how hard it is to grow up and watching our children learn lessons, sometimes the hard way, that we cannot do for them. Feeling fat and ugly and broken and un-loveable. Asking God some tough "pity party" type questions. Wishing I felt more wonder, more worshipful, had the energy to create a more amazing memory for my kids, in this season of Advent. Hating that my drama, that I would gladly skip if I could, is so stressful to my loved ones! Discouraged that a week down in bed has really messed with leg muscle strength I have worked SO HARD to build. Feeling like I will never finish my current book. Just frustrated. So glad a few tears were finally possible! So very restoring!


Verse for today:
 

 


3 comments:

  1. {{{Hugs my friend}}}. Let the tears flow, but in the end remember that you are exactly where God wants you and for every memory that you feel is being missed He is creating even better ones that may not be seen until His time. God has promised that he will redeem all of this for your good, your families good and His Glory!! Hang in there, praying... Kathy

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  2. Sometimes there truly is no way for others to make it ANY better. So let me just say that I love you, shed some tears for you tonight, and am sending you a passel of heart hugs. <3 (I just love that word, passel, it's so fun to say... couldn't resist slipping it in there) Love you, Jenni!

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  3. I'm sorry you are hurting and feel so un-loveable. I only know you from your blog but what I see is a very strong, courageous, determined Godly woman. I wish you lived just down the road from me so I could visit you often (instead of a whole ocean away!)

    Praying for you.

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