I cried this morning, all by myself! Rick wasn't even in the room. I was so surprised and elated to feel tears on my cheeks that I couldn't be sad anymore, so stopped crying just seconds after I started, but that I could bring about my own tears at all, to find exscape and release for pent up emotions, is BIG!
Now, if I can just find a way to hold a sane conversation with Rick about any serious or slightly emotional issue, good, bad, or otherwise, without crumbling into a sobbing puddle of mess, that would be so very, very nice for us both! One step at a time, I guess. For now, I'm trying to focus on the fact that I've been able to turn on and then off again, the tear fountain, without Rick in the room, twice now, if you also count Thanksgiving Day. I still wouldn't say the tears yet come "at will," but at least have been appropriate to my emotional state these two times recently. (Edit: Three times! A few more tears have fallen as I've been tying this post!)
So why the tears today? I'm tired! Tired of hurting. Tired of always being so medically exceptional. Missing our babies in Heaven (see yesterday) even though it feels so selfish to wish them here with me. Wanting to be able to celebrate Christmas "normally" for once. Sad that my decoration collection keeps declining and is still more than I can manage. Grieving the life we had expected and that this reality is so very different. Hating how hard it is to grow up and watching our children learn lessons, sometimes the hard way, that we cannot do for them. Feeling fat and ugly and broken and un-loveable. Asking God some tough "pity party" type questions. Wishing I felt more wonder, more worshipful, had the energy to create a more amazing memory for my kids, in this season of Advent. Hating that my drama, that I would gladly skip if I could, is so stressful to my loved ones! Discouraged that a week down in bed has really messed with leg muscle strength I have worked SO HARD to build. Feeling like I will never finish my current book. Just frustrated. So glad a few tears were finally possible! So very restoring!
Verse for today: