My mom has been seeing it for a few weeks now, but I was hoping it was just a little bump in the road and would pass. This morning I was so down (was really low a couple weeks ago, then did a little better for a few days, not feel myself slip-sliding again) that I finally had to admit to myself that depression is trying to overtake me again.
I recently figured out that even when I first started antidepressant last year, I misread the instructions and was only taking half of what was prescribed. When that wasn't helping and my doctor doubled my dose (still frequently referencing my "such a low dose"), I was still only taking half of what was prescribed, so really now at what my original start dose was to have been. That actually made a profound difference for quite a while, but while I would rather be moving downward in dosing again, I'm realizing this current level just might need a little bump upward. I'll talk to my counselor next week and get her input.
Speaking of flute, I had a hard talking to with myself this morning. Basically I told myself to "Get over it! Bemoaning what I no longer have does nothing to bring it back!" I was pretty harsh and firm. Now, please, don't you go talking to me like that, or I'll likely crumble, but sometimes I can get away with a little kick in the pant to myself and need to shake myself out of a pity party. Maybe I just needed that re-evaluation. We'll see what the next days bring, if I still need to think about upping my drugs or not. I know that depression is not something that can just be snapped out of, I'm just hoping an attitude adjustment, in addition to my current meds, I can pull through this without further medication. Here's what the flute lecture yielded (and about 10-15 more minutes not on tape, I can't go longer than that yet either, Kendra.):
Flute, day 14
So my nail applications really seem to be holding up well. The right side (applied by my left, more greatly stroked hand) were a concern at first because I couldn't seem to get the vinyl trimmed down to match my natural nail length nor could I seem to apply enough pressure to bond them solidly to the nails. Eventually, switching from scissors to nail clippers (tricky to navigate with my left hand, but I eventually managed), allowed me trip properly trim and shape the appliques so they didn't snag out beyond my natural nails. I think this "cold" application method would work a little better for my needs, in the future, as far as getting the bond I need. :) Now that I have the nails trimmed up better, the right hand (that does double duty for me in housework) is showing the slightest bit of wear at the tips (to be expected) but is holding up really well. You created a new fan, Kendra. These seem to protect and stabilize my nails, look pretty, and, though it takes time, I can do Jamberries by myself! :)
As of today:
I attempted a pot pie for tonight's dinner. Everything in it came out of a can, a box, a bag, the fridge, pantry or freezer. I would rather it have been truly homemade, but baby steps, I guess. I decided I could forego the holes to be cut into the top crust, since I managed to rip quite a few into it as I put it together. Here it is just before going into the oven:
Someday I will make something that doesn't look like preschool artwork, but for now trying to concentrate on the victory that I did it myself! Sure hope it taste good.
Jumping, day 79 of 100
Please keep two friends in your prayers. Jonnie, one of the gals who recently had brain surgery, has been having a bad spinal headache and leaking spinal fluid for a couple days now. She is on new medication to address the leak, but may be looking at travel for an emergency secondary surgery to address this issue later this week if thing do not resolve on their own.
My second friend, my dear Bible study partner, who has blessed me by telling me I can hold her daughter when she's born, is currently in the hospital, about two months early, with serious contractions. Having spent much of my adult life working with families through pregnancy/infant loss and seeing the realities of a NICU about as first hand as one can without living the journey myself, I am not at all happy with this current reality. Please pray!
Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.