After my best day since the strokes, last week, I'm afraid the next couple of days were pretty hard as I crashed down to reality from that high. By Sunday night, I cried for about 4 hours straight and still had several misty moments on Monday too. The tears started while watching the movie "UP" (so cute, and always used to get me crying, but I haven't watched since the strokes, I guess - by the way, you would think I would have been prepared that a movie named UP would have a lot of heights in it, but my stomach still dropped out on me several times with this post-stroke heights fear). It is an encouraging sign that I actually was able to tear at something that would have made me cry before the strokes, but it was so frustrating that once those tears started, they not only would not stop but just grew more and more intense. :(
One thing I didn't even realize I was overly anxious about until I heard it come tumbling out of my mouth Sunday night, is that I had to get another CT, with an IV and contrast, early this past Tuesday morning. I had been pretty OK with the idea until it was discovered last Friday that the contrast would cause problems with one of my medications and could land me in kidney failure. Suddenly, a routine test turned into a flurry of phone calls, paper-work craziness, fasting blood work, and some days without one of my meds that leave me feeling a little head-achy and off kilter.
Of course, since I was already worked up anyway, there was much more to my implosion that came spurting out of my mouth, the church music situation, decisions Rick and I need to make, general frustration over things in our lives that will never be the same as before, expectations and disappointments we are trying to realistically work through, and on and on. I guess the medical side of things was just the underlying issue that most caught us off guard.
The test itself went pretty well Tuesday morning (other than multiple IV attempts that chewed up my arms pretty well and took longer than my half-hour scan) and preliminary results indicate that I have no need to even come in again and get the more detailed results until my next scheduled appointment in July! I'm re-scheduled (had been originally planned for last Friday) for a contrast MRI next Thursday, so only one more to get through in the near future. Hopefully this one won't be a PTSD trigger! Today I need to call my doctor's office back about what blood work I need to have between now and then, again after that test, when and how I deal with medication in the meantime, and when I should restart it.
I'm trying to cut back on computer hours and working hard to make my family, home and current book bigger priorities in my life. I think Kathy, Rick and my Mom have all really been pointing me in the right direction as far as caring for our house better. My mom and I are working on meal planning together (a huge source of daily stress for me) and my counselor has given me some good tips for trying to manage it all better too. I feel like we are moving forward again. If you don't see me here as much, it is because I'm working hard on reclaiming some off-line areas in my life.
Do NOT let ANY unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but ONLY what is HELPFUL for BUILDING others UP according to THEIR NEEDS that it may BENEFIT THOSE who listen. EPH 4:29 (Thanks, Carissa, for your emphasis)