For well over a decade, closer to two decades really, infertility ministry was my life.
There was our own 7-year-journey to bringing home our first living son, another 3 years, two more miscarriages, and 3 1/2 hour surgery, before God added a second bring-home daughter. With her came a post-partum depression saga that lasted about two years. As I was coming out of that deep dark place, God sent surprise miracle son we never dreamed He was planning! 13-years involved in becoming this InfertilityMom!
Not only was I intimately acquainted with pills and shots and surgery methods and basal body temperature charts, I spent thousands of hours researching and documenting things infertility-related and peer-counseling other infertile families across the country and as far away as the United Kingdom and South Africa. I founded a non-profit organization. I wrote a book. While I never had any kind of accredited training, I established myself as an expert on things related to human reproduction.
|image via mydr.com.au|
I took a jr. high level quiz on female reproductive anatomy yesterday. Folks, this is information I LIVED and BREATHED almost my entire adult life! If there is any subject (other than my Bible) I should absolutely KNOW better than my own finger prints, it should be the bare basics of female reproductive anatomy!
I scored a dismal 13 out of 17. My 13-year-old daughter aced it at 100%.
I feel kicked in the gut. I know this part of my identity was forever altered nearly five years ago. I just didn't grasp how drastically the losses remain.
I am not giving up. Yet I must admit, I'm feeling rather rattled in my confidence when it comes to writing now! If this topic that was so profoundly imprinted upon my very being, was this significantly disintegrated and it's taken me this long to really understand what I've lost, what of my writing skills? No wonder this manuscript is dragging on year after year! I pray it will even be readable, meaningful, impactful, once it ever gets done. Now, I'm not sure. If not, I guess I could always default to the realization that this writing process has been "good therapy," great organizational re-ordering, helpful "brain training." But I've poured my heart, sole, my all into this project, striving to be living life, not just practicing to live it. If only I could cry for emotional release anymore. I so need that right now!