I did spend the first couple of years wondering if thankfulness, joy, fulfilment, peace, and a multitude of other positive emotions were even possible! A tough road is an understatement of a description!
I still have days that are more filled with emotional landmines than others. Reading my post-concussion MRI findings, that my brain shows "Large chronic infarcts in the left cerebellar hemisphere with significant resulting volume loss," was rather sobering. (I knew that about the strokes, but seeing it in black and white, hearing my doctor talk about resulting lost brain volume, was just hard.)
Thanksgiving week and day were filled with some tough memories since that was 5 years since my two life-saving, experimental surgeries and some rather traumatic events unfolded in the ICU in the 24 hours encompassing that Thanksgiving day (holiday hospital staffing can get "interesting" when it comes to quality of care).
But even through the dark days, the questioning of God's purpose for my life, plan of why He even still has me on this earth, I now know an underlying peace and joy I didn't know possible. I can actually find things to be thankful for. Sometimes my reasons for thanksgiving might seem odd to others, like the fact that I can again answer "no" on a health form for something like life insurance, where I'm asked if I've experienced a stroke "within the past five years."
Thursday and especially into Friday morning, I felt rather depressed. I think a lot of that was circumstantial because of memories then my body's betrayal by the end of Thursday. Circumstances are not tremendously better yet, but my attitude is, God's grace is here to remind me everything is going to be OK in His timing! That article reminded me just how far God has carried me in five years.
As for the physical aspect of the last few days, here are some Facebook conversations from Friday that share details of Thursday:
We hosted Thanksgiving here. 5 in our immediate family + both sets of our parents. Mom and I did most of the prep Wednesday, then they came over at 10 yesterday so Mom and Dad could fix the turkey and get it in the oven. We had brunch, played a couple quiet games and just relaxed until 3 when we started warming and final prep. Rick's parents got here right before 4 and we sat down to eat about 10 after. We took pictures and ate pie after all that.When questioned (yesterday) about my "minor surgery" next Monday, I replied,
I was doing great other than some serious ear pain that's been an issue for weeks (I'm having a minor surgery on Monday that should help a lot, but until then the pain is building by the hour), but when we went to clear the table, my left arm simply decided not to work at all. I nearly dropped a stoneware dish, and 30 seconds later spilled a cup, tried to upright it, then dumped it out the other side instead! After that I just sat while our moms were left with all the cleanup. I was in bed by 8 and slept for 12 hours!
Because it really is rather minor and was just set up this week. It will be local rather than general, so I won't even be put under. We just need to slice open the ear drum again (already done this 3 times, but a basic ear tube lasts less than a year before it the membrane grows closed and pushes the tube out) white a T-tube is more extensive and will hopefully keep ear pressure equalized for 3-4 years this time.I told a friend more this morning.
Gritting my teeth to make it to Monday's ear surgery to take pressure off TN. Was throwing up from pain by last night....Eustachian tube is still paralyzed from stroke. Every 8 or 10 months I get my tube replaced so pressure can equalize. The ear drum has healed and pushed out the tube again, so I have hundreds of pounds of negative pressure trying to pull the ear drum into the ear. This is what sets off the trigeminal nerve (TN). As soon as he cuts into the ear drum on Monday to place my next tube, I'll have immediate relief even before he gets the tube placed!
...It is what it is. Talk to me Monday night and I'll be in a better mood! LOL (Except it hurts to laugh, or blow my nose, or swallow...)And to a friend concerned about my arm, I explained,
It's a stroke thing. My arm was totally useless at first. I now have regained pretty much all large motor function and a little fine motor function (still type with only my right hand) but my body lets me know I'm overdoing by revisiting various issues that were there constantly just after the stroke. Sometimes my left eye crosses and I get double vision. Sometimes my leg limp gets really pronounced or my leg drags. This time, the left arm decided to quit then get really painful. Today has been much better with the arm, but my ear is still so very painful I'm fighting throwing up. It's a grumbly kind of day where the chiropractor who caused my strokes is getting prayed for a lot (as in pray for your enemies).
Happy 74th birthday to my Daddy today! I am very thankful to have both of my parents and both of my husband's parents! It was very special to have them all here on Thursday.
The article I opened with, written specifically from the aspect of brain injury, God used to show me a marker of how far He has healed my thought patterns. However, the article was missing the profound hope of Jesus. Hallmark Movie Holidays...Or Real World Reality?, covering a host of chronic health needs (or even everyday stresses everyone can face) fills in the hope the first article skipped over.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights. Habakkuk 3:17-19 NIV