Update: The In Darkness Sing blog at JenniferSaake is experiencing prolonged technical issues, so I'm temporarily posting back here on my old Stroke of Grace blog. (You will notice many typos in older posts. I intentionally never corrected them, as they helped document my cognitive abilities at various stages of recovery.)

Thirty-nine-year-old Jennifer Saake (founder, Hannah's Prayer Ministries), experienced 6 strokes via vertebral dissection at a chiropractic office, including brain stem and cerebellum bleeds, in Oct. 2011. Jennifer remained hospitalized for nearly 2 months and was not expected to live (near death experience) nor recover, but if she even survived, she was slated to live out her days in a nursing home or, best case, to maybe come home wheelchair-bound and needing 24-hour care. At 5 years, 7 months, God clarified Jennifer's theology on healing and showed how He was writing her story from the beginning.

Jennifer is currently writing more books and stays active on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. Stroke of Grace became In Darkness Sing in early 2018 and has moved, along with all five of Jennifer's active blogs, to one location at JenniferSaake.com. (Please see temporary update note above!)

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Core Deep Lies

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Where to start? On May 9, 2017, my life took a dramatic change.

You may have already read about how God so unexpectedly restored my hearing. (Wondering about your own miracle and feeling left out of God's plan? Read my follow-up article, What About Me?)


The story few know yet is one I've spent 2 1/2 weeks praying about how to share, what to share.

It's rather like putting together a puzzle.

Piecing together fragments of nearly 45 years of life to gain a clear picture of where I am today.

(Literal jigsaw puzzles are my newest fascination. I call them my "new Facebook," where I'm spending my free time focus. A peaceful place to train my brain while meditating on the Lord.)

I've come a long way from being challenged by a 24-piece puzzle in December, 2011!
Last week I did four, 100, 300, and 500 piece puzzles in 6 days! 
This is even with spending lots of hours focused on deep housecleaning, gardening, laundry, dishes, writing, doctor's appointments, and therapy, so these were accomplished in my free moments scattered throughout those six days!
Starting May 8, and for nearly 40 hours that week, I underwent an intensive week of much needed counseling. The restored hearing was God's gift to get my attention from the get-go and affirm that He was in my week, working, and wanted my full attention.

Physical restoration was the most obvious change to come out of my ministry week, the most easily seen and explained to others, but was actually the least significant change God brought about this month.

I am finally ready to share what some of you have even directly questioned about my life but I have long denied. 

As a missionary child I endured serious abuses. My entire family remained unaware well into my adulthood. 

Short and Sweet is the newest book I'm contributing to. If you wish to buy a copy, they are available on Amazon now!
This was a fun writing challenge, to express huge ideas in 250 words of only one or two syllables, 5 letters or less.
I learned of this project at Mount Hermon Christian Writer's Conference, just a couple days before deadline, and my submission (on prayer fasting) was selected for publication in this anthology! :)

My husband was the first to know of my abuse, followed by a counselor, then my parents, then this current counselor, then my children, in-laws, brother, Sunday school class, a very select few friends, and now you. In hindsight, those who have known me long-term can see the imprints left on my life, the impact on marriage, parenting, and relationships with others and with the Lord. 

I got to meet Christian actor and chiropractic stoke survivor, Kevin Sorbo (wow is he tall!), just 54 hours after my hearing was restored, the first time I wore my hair down in public in several years!

To the few who have learned some of the specifics of what I've endured and been broken by the vile ugliness, reduced to sobs and hugs of overwhelming sympathy, I can only share that your reactions catch me by utter surprise. I get that you are just catching up with a weight that's dragged me down for a lifetime, but as you process a new-to-you burden, I've been set free, my heart is lighter than it has been in my entire life! I want to shout from the rooftops what God has done in breaking down strongholds, losing tight bonds of secrecy, shame, and pain.

I am not "all better" yet. I am not fully healed. Many nights are sleepless and terror-filled, especially right now as God peels back the scabs I have so carefully guarded for so long, and oozes out the infection at its source. I still anticipate at least one more intensive week of upcoming counseling as well as potentially other "breakthrough" moments of aid needed.

The day before my counseling week began, I got to attend a dear friend's baptism!

My despair has been transformed to joy. God has not left me without relief.

I am attempting to type with both hands sometimes now. I am believing there will come a day when I learn to drive again, rather than thinking that to be a forever impossibility. I am no longer accepting the therapist's statement that I should give up the goal of standing for a shower and be content to sit on a shower bench for the rest of my life. I believe there may likely come a day, this side of Heaven, when my muted hearing is fully restored in volume, when my latex allergy abates, when my need to use a walker or elevate my more-stroked-leg due to vascular pain, resolves.

May "snow" in Reno. The cottonwood trees are in bloom!
I have given up the practice of full-time head covering and am only practicing this for corporate worship, prayer, and prophecy (including ministry writing and public speaking), wearing my hair down and unbound whenever I wish now. (ETA, as of 2018, I no longer practice head covering at all.) I have been totally off antidepressants for nearly a month. As stated above, I'm taken with jigsaw puzzles now. I've spent 14 hours deep-cleaning two bathrooms in the past two weeks. While I'm still feeling the effects of ME/CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), my mom and kids say I have more life, spark, energy, than they have seen in my oldest's 17-year lifetime.

As God has been scrubbing my heart, freeing me of chains of things done to me, He has also provided new strength for this mobility-challenged mom to get in and clean things I have not been able to manage for years!

Jesus has broken three core-deep lies that the enemy has shouted to my heart since childhood:

1. I am not beautiful/acceptable/pleasing to God or others. I am "less than," never good enough.

2. No one will ever believe me. I'm a drama queen. I'm a good story teller. I'm just making this up.

3. I must be broken to be a viable witness. It is my responsibility to "steward" and shoulder my story well, that it may bring glory to my Father. That to be "useful" to God's kingdom, means "being used" by God in the same way I was used and abused in infancy.

These have been replaced by Truth:

1. God loves me, calls me by name, delights over me. I am His jewel, His treasure. 
Through all I have endured, He has never left me alone. At the bottom of a deep, dark well, He is my Living Water. I can trust both my past and my future to Him. I am more than enough because He imparts His value to me, His beloved daughter. God does not leave me without help, without hope, but desires relationship with me.

2. Jesus is the Truth. I am not a Drama Queen, rather a Princess of the Most High God!  He has confirmed my story in countless ways, and continues to do so even now. Yes, He has honed the craft of story telling within me, not so I can flourish in fiction (no wonder I've never gotten the hang of fiction novels!), but so that His story can be displayed in the unique way He has crafted only me to share it.

3. Sometimes healing takes time - this is to my benefit that I continue to bring my brokenness to the Lord, that I don't get my way and forget to keep coming to Him. He makes all things new. Jesus came to bind up the broken hearted. He has already caused this lame woman to walk, blind woman to see, deaf woman to hear, all thing doctors never believed could happen! He who began a good work in me will be faithful to carry it on to completion.
He will guide me one step at a time, lighting my path for this moment. It is not mine to look into plans He has not ordained for me. He calls me to rest in Him. My striving for perfection and accomplishment, is exhausting and vain. He does not use nor abuse, but is gentle and tenderly carrying me.

I an FREE! <3

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If you haven't read it yet, don't miss the funny story behind this picture!
I'm removing some wording from my blog header. I am ready to go from victim to victor:
Jenni is walking (with a cane or wheeled walker), had recovered much eye-sight, some hearing, partial use of her hands, could care for most of her own personal/toiletry needs...
 (please read more and watch short video)...
Near the five-year recovery mark, Jenni has renewed her pre-stroke excitement about the unique Lilla Rose hair Flexi eight jewelry she sells and has finally regained enough hand/arm function to regularly use! (The biggest ongoing losses at the 4 1/2-year point of recovery are left-side nerve pain, inability to drive, loss of homeschool teaching capability, significant sound processing issues (often triggering nausea), and some profound physical ability limitations such as a limp, balance challenges, clumsy use of right hand and only large motor function in left hand.)  
Jenni is clinging to God's grace through the entire experience. Here is her unfolding story, documented in her own words (typing with only her right hand), as she perceives it happening in real time, messy, honest and to the glory of God...


  1. Your faith and courage inspire me. I thank God for you every day. I love you. <3 BIG Heart Hugs <3 Shelly

  2. You are an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing your tough path as well as healing with us.

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